Brighton Rocks….our guest blogger, Ellie takes you on a tour

HELLO, MY NAME IS ELLIE AND I LIVE IN BRIGHTON.

 The Bank Holiday is looming and, judging by the traffic along Brighton front on such long summer weekends, many of you may be heading to the seaside.  So, as a resident of cosmopolitan, city-on-sea Brighton (also known as “the smuggest place in Britain”, according to at least one national newspaper), I offered (or, rather, begged) to write a guest blog on all things foodie in my ‘hood.

 BREAKFAST.

 First of all, after that long drive or train journey, you might want a little breakfast sustenance.  One of the best things about Brighton is (being, basically, a city full of lazy hippies; as Julie Burchill, one of my favourite local residents, once said “Brighton is just a town of coffee bars”) that there is a very relaxed, café sort of vibe that really lends itself to the wonderful pastime of Going Out For Breakfast.

 My ultimate favourite place to do this – and it’s such a well-kept Brighton secret that I am reluctant even to speak its name – is Billie’s (no website; 34 Hampton Place).  It’s a little off the beaten track so not one that you’d be likely to stumble across, but only a five-minute walk from the station/centre.  The speciality at Billie’s is the marvellous “hash”, of which they serve every conceivable variety (although there are also more traditional breakfasts on offer, plus excellent pancakes, you’d be made to miss out) – basically, fried potatoes with anything else chucked in there that you fancy, served in epic quantities and usually with a fried egg and a mass of grated cheese on the top.  Get there early or be prepared to queue and/or budge up, as this place is a tiny little gem! 

If you fancy staying in the Lanes and doing a bit of people-spotting – and/or you are on the look-out for a veggie/vegan/slightly healthy option – the delightfully-named Wai Kika Moo Kau (go on, say it out loud) in Kensington Gardens (pretty much the coolest/weirdest/busiest bit of the Lanes) is a winner (no website; 11a Kensington Gardens).  Everything is veggie or vegan, and all so amazing that even card-carrying carnivores may be converted – home-made granola with all sorts of lovely stuff piled in, proper porridge, or a veggie cooked breakfast, and an encyclopaedic selection of

exciting teas. Finally, for a slightly more upmarket breakfast venue, Bill’s Produce Store (www.billsproducestore.co.uk; 100 North Road) is still (obviously, we’re in Brighton) very relaxed and ‘local’ but very trendy.  Apparently, um, it’s Kylie Minogue’s favourite place for a Brighton breakfast (I never said I was cool).

LUNCH.   Now that you’ve killed that boring bit of the day between meals known as ‘the morning’ (some tips on how to do that in style at the bottom), it’s time for lunch.My favourite place to do this (and also Uncle Bear and Joss’s – look out for them!) is The Dorset (no website; 28 North Road).  It’s indisputably great for any meal at any time of day, but best at lunchtime.  Right in the middle of the north Lanes, it is a very cool French-style bar with outdoor tables that are so perfect for whiling away the afternoon that, well, it would be rude not to.  The menu is a good all-encompassing range that goes from excellent sandwiches and salads, to steak and chips or moules marinières.  I probably shouldn’t mention here that Kim was once so hung over that only a blue steak and a Bloody Mary for breakfast would do (at 8am) – and she was duly obliged by the chef without so much as a raised eyebrow.  The staff here are awesome, and it’s a great place to spot up-and-coming musicians (everyone in this place looks famous, whether they are or not).  While you’re there, you should really go over the road to buy a guitar at GAK (The Guitar, Amp & Keyboard Centre, that big, bright yellow building that you can’t fail to spot) and then have a pint of Harvey’s in the Heart in Hand next door, which has a brilliant jukebox. 

If you’re far fancier than I am, then you’ll probably be more inclined to head over to “Hove, Actually” as the locals insist upon calling it (they’re generally much posher than Brightonians, and still pissed off about being associated with the all the decadence that goes on a couple of miles to the east of them).  Over in Hove, The Real Eating Company (www.real-eating.co.uk; 86-87 Western Road) is a great place for lunch and has a lovely deli upstairs.  Food is unfussy and really good, with the emphasis on local and seasonal that is kind of the norm around here anyway – as such, the menu changes a lot, but last time I went there, I had a broad bean risotto with roasted beetroot and a glass of pink wine.  Lovely.  If you’re lucky, you might see local god Nick Cave and his gorgeous wife Susie Bick and equally gorgeous kids, who hang out here a lot.  And as you’re in Hove (Actually), you can always pop into Farrow & Ball or some fancy boutiques while you’re there.

Now, an adventurous option for the more energetic and intrepid of you (it involves a bit of a walk, basically).  Start at Brighton Pier (and maybe get a few of those fried donuts to start with – gross but truly magnificent, you know what I’m talking about; or at the very least a few whelks), and walk west along the seafront, taking in the refreshing sea air and maybe a visit to the world-famous fortune teller Professor Mirza, as you go.  Keep walking, past the majestic skeleton of the West Pier and at weekends a lovely little market, skirting the full width of Hove, going towards Portslade/Shoreham Harbour (merely a couple of miles, but at a leisurely weekend pace this might take a while).  You will go past many beach huts, Hove Lagoon, and then to the exciting bit – Millionaire’s Row, as the Western Esplanade is widely known, a gated community of f*ck-off houses with their own private bit of beach.  It’s a private road, but you can still get a good look, possibly of past and present celeb residents, that include Macca and Fatboy and, um, Wicksy off of Eastenders. 

And that’s not all – lurking behind Millionaire’s Row is a brilliant retro diner of the classic kind, Woodies (www.woodiesdiner.com; 366 Kingsway).  Check out the hot waitresses in their cute pink uniforms and have a burger or a tuna melt with a proper milkshake. 

 Then, on the walk back, if you’ve any room left, pop into Marocco’s (www.maroccos-restaurant.co.uk; 8 Kings Esplanade) for the best ice-cream selection in B&H.

AFTERNOON TEA.    Sod the Grand.  When it comes to afternoon tea, there is only one place to go in Brighton, and it’s in Kemp Town.  Walk up St James’s Street (which is a village-y treasure trove of charity shops and gay bars, for anyone who’s interested in either – “yes, please” from me on both counts, as I am a pikey fag-hag), and turn left to find the wonder that is The Tea Cosy (their marvellous website at www.theteacosy.co.uk; 3 George Street).  Under the watchful eyes of Princess Di, Bet Lynch and Cher, you can enjoy everything from the “Beatrice & Eugenie Tea” (not very pretty and a bit limited, obv) all the way up to the “Princess Diana Memorial High Tea” (fancy, camp and so massive you might want to throw it up afterwards, too).  Seriously, though, their sandwiches and cakes and everything else are divine.  Although, you may want to make sure to have checked their list of “etiquette rules” before you arrive – you wouldn’t want to risk being ejected from the premises for having dunked your biscuit or clinked your tea spoon, nor taken unawares when they make you stand up for a chorus of the National Anthem and three cheers for her Majesty at four o’clock (disabled and infirm exempt).  Seriously, I’m not making this up.

Due South

DINNER.  

Now, it’s not exactly an insider’s secret, as it’s right on the seafront and has had some excellent national reviews, but Due South (www.duesouth.co.uk; 139 Kings Road Arches) still needs a well-deserved mention.  Serving genuinely exciting “modern classic” sort of food that all comes from within 30 miles of Brighton, it’s really foodie but decidedly unstuffy, and in a lovely location under the seafront arches.  Highly recommended for special occasions

or just as a gorgeous treat.  In contrast, this one really is an insider’s secret.  Again, I almost want to cry at the thought of sharing it with the world at large – but, Dear Reader, I would do you a disservice if I were not to do so.  Barry at the Tureen (no website; 31 Upper North Street) is one of the most special places I have ever been to (be sick if you want, but after months of walking past this place on my way to work and being utterly intrigued, my beloved booked it as a Valentine’s Day surprise about five years ago and we have been committed fans ever since).  Only open on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, seating possibly a dozen, with a choice from a very tiny but wonderful menu – this is because it’s basically in Barry’s sitting room and he just cooks what he fancies.  It’s a bit like being at Grey Gardens with incredible food (generally veering in a classic English/French direction).  Barry is proper old-school Brighton, a charismatic raconteur – he cooks, then when it’s time for pudding and there’s not much left for him to do in the kitchen, he comes out for a glass of wine and a chat.  Not one to go to if you’re a picky eater or want a quiet, private dinner – but, otherwise, it’ll change your life for the better.

If you just want a casual dinner, with no gourmet food or raucous tales of days gone by, your best bet is to go to the Shakespeare’s Head (no website; 1 Chatham Place) just off Seven Dials.  Their ethos is simple but effective – along with good booze and a sexy, dim fairy-lights atmosphere, the only food they serve is sausages and mash.  However, this is not just any old sausage and mash.  You choose from three giant blackboards, one option from each – so take your pick from about a dozen varieties of local sausage, mash with any flavouring and addition you can think of, and then your gravy-type sauce.  So, you might have beef and chilli sausage, garlic mash, and cider gravy, or pork and stilton sausage, horseradish mash and red wine gravy.  It’s all good.  Personally, while you’re in that neighbourhood, I’d combine dinner at the Shakey’s with a trip to the Duke of York’s Picturehouse (http://www.picturehouses.co.uk/cinema/Duke_Of_Yorks ; Preston Circus) for their famous weekend midnight movies – the oldest continuous-use cinema in the country, easily recognisable by the plaster legs in striped stockings protruding from the roof, it shows films you won’t see anywhere else, serves delicious homemade cakes and booze in the auditorium, and has a lovely terrace bar.  This would be a relaxed but pretty damn cool evening with which to impress a new paramour, in my humble opinion.

LATE NIGHT SNACKS:  After a wild night out (that I would hope might include some combination of: cocktails at Havana, a pint of Harvey’s in the Battle of Trafalgar, seeing the best local bands at the Prince Albert, and getting on your sparkliest dancing shoes for Da Doo Ron Ron), you may be in need of a grotty snack.  Don’t be ashamed – we’re not here to judge, and Brighton is just the place for you.

Buddies (www.buddies24hour.net; 50 Kings Road), on the seafront, is a veritable institution (OK, mostly with clubbers and students and insomniacs) because it stays open twenty-four hours and is always packed.  It’s definitely not high-end cuisine, but a dirty fry-up never hurt anyone.  (Un?)surprisingly another story that involves Kim, but I have fond memories of a dozen or so ladies all cramming in here for 3am chicken and chips on Louise’s hen night.  Good times…

While we’re on this topic, we must give honourable mention to the noble Grubb’s (no website; 13 York Place).  It now also has branches in Hove and Kemp Town, but the real Grubb’s is on the London Road, and it’s the best burger joint in town.  My stepdad, John, lived in Brighton in the early 80s, and in recent years has been most relieved to learn that Grubb’s is not only still alive and well, but seems not to have changed even slightly in the past thirty years.  I always go for the classic cheese-and-mushroom (double), but the more open-minded of you may want to try the Caribbean.  In short: f*cking awesome.

FUN MISCELLANIA:

While you’re not eating, you might want to do something else.  The Pier and the Pavilion are classics for a reason – they’re brilliant.  However, if you’ve already been there and done that, you might want a few other suggestions.

If you’re pottering about the Lanes and want to spend some money, my favourite places to do this are: for clothes, Hope & Harlequin, Beyond Retro and Get Cutie, for the manly mods among you try Jump the Gun; for records, Resident (top fave) or Rounder Records, or anywhere in Trafalgar Street for second-hand vinyl; for books, City Books is well worth a trip over to Hove; for general junk and fear of getting lost, Snooper’s Paradise is, basically, Narnia.

Hipsters, art-lovers and investors will definitely want to head to the very cool Ink’d Gallery or Art Republic – both of which stock work by the stupendously talented local artist JC Faulkner (www.jcfaulkner.co.uk).  In the interests of full disclosure, I should mention that he only gets this shameless plug because he is still In Credit for taking me to Barry at the Tureen.

Lastly, I will probably be spending my Bank Holiday in the cool and quiet confines of the Booth Museum, Brighton’s very own museum of natural history and taxidermy.  It’s free and it smells weird, what could be better?  I’d move in if I was allowed.

Now you can head back to your hotel (The Grand, Granville or Pelirocco if you’re lucky) or get on the last train home, hopefully fully sated until next Bank Holiday.  Phew.  Please do post any further suggestions/arguments/alternatives/queries/comments – I’d love to hear them.  Thanks and bye!